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I don't know how to live

Posted by rbginc@hotmail.com on June 9, 2018 at 11:15 AM

I have been sober now for 2 years, I have relapsed a few times, but haven't in 8 months now. My addiction was to crack cocaine and heroin. I would get high on coke(usually crack since its super easy to find here in Baltimore) and then use heroin to come down from the coke high.

 

I have been using drugs since I was 16, but the coke/heroin pattern didn't start until I was 20. I am now 27 and realize that I have no life. I go to a methadone clinic where i see a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bipolar I disorder, which explains a lot. I know a lot of people look down on methadone but I don't have insurance and this clinic is the cheapest access I have to mental health care. I wish i could see the doc more often but every 8 weeks is all i get.

 

The problem I have is that without drugs I am a loser. Before I started using I was "the weird home schooled kid" in my high school so I was forced to be sort of a loner. The only reason I was in public school was because my mom couldn't home school me anymore with her Oxycontin addiction. As soon as I was out in the world I started drinking and doing pills as well as find full time employment. Once I graduated high school I went from being a mechanics helper to an ASE certified master Tech AND I went to Community college and got my AA degree in applied science. The original goal was to go to Penn Tech to be a mechanical engineer, but the tuition costs were to steep for me.

 

Anyway, even after i became dependent on heroin/cocaine my life was still full. I was always gainfully employed, and I had hobbies like hiking and dirt bike racing, scuba diving, things like that, I also had meaningful relationships with people. Now that I am sober, the person I am is barely capable of holding down a job, I have no enthusiasm for hobbies and I possess the charisma of a door knob.


The question I have is: Is this who I have always been? Is this just my brain re acclimating? Am I damaged and no longer capable of being a normal person? I feel damaged beyond a reparable point. I am on medication for the Bipolar thing, but this is much deeper than that. This cuts to my core, life now seems meaningless, doing "fun" things is now a chore.

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